I chose this day to start writing in my blog again since the subject is a large part of why I took a break from it. Today is National PTSD Awareness Day and it's time to share my experience. This is something that many people in my life don't know about.
Nobody ever expects to wake up one day with PTSD. You usually hear about it in regards to veterans and domestic abuse victims but it can also happen in other ways. In my case it was a violent crime last year and the aftermath that triggered the onset of this horrible, chronic condition. Although I am much better now I will never forget the daily, hourly and sometimes moment to moment terror that plagued me intermittently while I struggled to break free from what felt like a constant nightmare while awake.
On a sunny Monday out of nowhere last summer I turned to close my car door to find the barrel of a gun in my eyes. If I had been paying more attention to my surroundings this may not have happened. So yes, I cooperated and was robbed in that moment but I survived the incident. Later that day was the attempted credit card fraud, then the aftermath of having my identity out there in the hands of criminals. There is whole a lot more to this but I'll leave it at that because this is not about the crime. It's about surviving PTSD.
I remember little after the crime that afternoon in the haze of working with police and my bank, etc. What I remember most clearly is waking up the next morning with a strong sense of inner panic and fear. That was only the beginning. A couple of weeks later I tried antidepressants, which in my case made it worse. One night was so bad I was certain I would not survive it alone. (PTSD sufferers have a very high rate of suicide.) My husband was out of town so I rushed myself to the hospital checking myself into the ER and was hospitalized for a night. This made the PTSD much worse because I was terrified of that happening again. Afterwards I was afraid of not only other people, but myself as well. Having been a level headed person with a happy disposition all my life, this was the worst part of it all.
What I didn't understand at the time is that something in my brain had changed. I'm not a doctor but I now know from working with mine and my therapist that a sudden incident of trauma or violence can cause a type of temporary brain injury and condition, PTSD, that makes some normal things seem scary, off center and out of balance. For me anything could set me off... seeing a gun on TV, hearing a loud noise, even someone ringing the doorbell would send me down a dark rabbit hole and a feeling of terror and disassociation. The disassociation was the worst. It made things seem not real, like I was losing it. This is where my therapist was the most helpful. She helped me learn grounding techniques such as deep breathing, grabbing a chunk of ice, reaching out to others, etc. Anything to break the rising inner hysteria of a flashback can help ground a person with PTSD.
On a sunny Monday out of nowhere last summer I turned to close my car door to find the barrel of a gun in my eyes. If I had been paying more attention to my surroundings this may not have happened. So yes, I cooperated and was robbed in that moment but I survived the incident. Later that day was the attempted credit card fraud, then the aftermath of having my identity out there in the hands of criminals. There is whole a lot more to this but I'll leave it at that because this is not about the crime. It's about surviving PTSD.
I remember little after the crime that afternoon in the haze of working with police and my bank, etc. What I remember most clearly is waking up the next morning with a strong sense of inner panic and fear. That was only the beginning. A couple of weeks later I tried antidepressants, which in my case made it worse. One night was so bad I was certain I would not survive it alone. (PTSD sufferers have a very high rate of suicide.) My husband was out of town so I rushed myself to the hospital checking myself into the ER and was hospitalized for a night. This made the PTSD much worse because I was terrified of that happening again. Afterwards I was afraid of not only other people, but myself as well. Having been a level headed person with a happy disposition all my life, this was the worst part of it all.
What I didn't understand at the time is that something in my brain had changed. I'm not a doctor but I now know from working with mine and my therapist that a sudden incident of trauma or violence can cause a type of temporary brain injury and condition, PTSD, that makes some normal things seem scary, off center and out of balance. For me anything could set me off... seeing a gun on TV, hearing a loud noise, even someone ringing the doorbell would send me down a dark rabbit hole and a feeling of terror and disassociation. The disassociation was the worst. It made things seem not real, like I was losing it. This is where my therapist was the most helpful. She helped me learn grounding techniques such as deep breathing, grabbing a chunk of ice, reaching out to others, etc. Anything to break the rising inner hysteria of a flashback can help ground a person with PTSD.
So many times I wanted to scream and cry and basically fall apart, but I never did. I continued to function normally on the outside to prove to myself that I could. Running an errand, getting the mail, meeting a friend for dinner when it was dark out, working a job, normal things were monumentally challenging. I couldn't be alone all night unless there was a friend or family member nearby. What if I had a panic attack? I didn't want any of my work colleagues to know because I didn't want them to think of me as damaged and unreliable, so I white knuckled it, took it hour by hour. I just knew if I could keep at my normal life then day by day I would find my comfort zone again. I think that's called exposure therapy.
I was fortunate to have some down time too. I could nest on my sofa watching comedies (everything else triggered me). I'd use a heavy blanket which was calming, and still is. Yoga helped me to a degree I never expected. It gave me something to focus on when a panic attack arose. Stretch this, bend that, and breathe. I also consistently did meditation. Guided mediations and affirmations from Deepak Chopra, Steve Nobel and the music of Paul Luftenegger served as a salve to ease me through and quiet my mind from the constant anxiety. Listening with my headphones every time I went to bed and every morning when I woke up and during rising panic attacks slowly brought me back. I used daily drops of Non THC CBD Oil. Also being able to talk to family and friends when I was having a rough moment was like medicine too...the best kind.
It's been ten months now and I do not suffer on a regular basis anymore! I don't live in constant fear of the unknown or of a flashback or panic attack. The symptoms started to ease three months ago and have since become mild and sometimes even non existent.
I am grateful beyond belief that I can live my life without constant fear and anxiety. With a smile on my face I can drive alone and run errands, do things with friends, work and travel. But I will always be more aware, more careful and on guard for anything that can happen to me.
Anyone reading this who has PTSD I have the deepest empathy for you. I hope you are finding your way out of despair and back to yourself, and that you have support from people and professionals as you need it. Prayer doesn't hurt either. AW
Here are links to one of the songs and a meditation that helped me.
Mending: Paul Luftenegger https://youtu.be/jTOGhlpBaT0
Mending: Paul Luftenegger https://youtu.be/jTOGhlpBaT0
